Saturday, May 8, 2010

This shit just got real.

I've decided to start all over again. I hit a brick wall. So let's see how this pans out, shall we.
I don't want to try and be anything. I'm just going to write anything and everything, and if it turns out like corn on the cob then that'll be that, then. It's so hard to try and act normal when everything inside you feels as if it's just gone. I had a thought that it might get easier if i wrote it down. Coming to terms with it isn't an option. It's just all surreal right now.
The thing is, i kind of understand the good that's come out of this. I sort of see the silver lining, but i don't care. Shittiness doesn't just go away because you've learnt something. I understand a lot more now. I understand the great tradgedy that love is. Yeah, that's right. Love. 'Oh, but you're a silly teenage girl run by hormones and lustiness, how do you know what love is?' Yeah, well fuck you. I've been trying to tell myself that for two years now. 'You don't love him, that's ridiculous, you hardly know him'. It stopped working on thursday night. There he was, and there i went. Not a seconds notice, and everything left me. I didn't realise how much hope i had been harbouring until it was gone. I didn't realise how much i relied on that hope to keep going. Now that it's gone, or at least seriously deminished, it's like the glass is actually half empty. Everything is the same, and everything is different. I am not making this shit up. I am in the exact same position i have been in forever. Yet. Not.
This feeling in my stomach, that's not made up. My heart didn't break. There was nothing in it to break. He never took it, so it was never his. When people say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, they weren't talking about unrequited love. That shits just awful for everyone. I don't swear this much usually. Nothing else seems to sum up the feeling.
Only thing left to do is move on. I don't want to, but i have to. I'm just going to try and discover who i'm going to be. I will reinvent myself. I will stop caring about what other people think. i will stop trying to please everybody. Especially him.
You never know. After all this, some hope still remains.
Thanks for listening, internet.

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