and so it goes...

wow, it's been quite a while. I just can't keep up with this whole 'blog' thing. I can't even write a sentence a day. All my thoughts are just jumbled up in books and poetry and on little scraps of paper that probably end up in the garbage. That's a sad thought. I'd like to think others will read what i've written, otherwise why do i write? For myself? Yes. But hopefully others will feel inspired by something, as anyone is inspired by words that when put together sound extraordinary. some combo's are just powerful like that. It's so hard to make descisions. We only think about the outcomes. Surely theres more to it than what will happen at the end of it? Thing is, we only really think about the hard ones, the ones that seem big. In the end, i think they'll all seem like tiny speed bumps. They aren't the ones we got wrong, they didn't really matter in the end. The little ones seem to make up the big things.
Can we ever really know what we're supposed to do?
Only when we look back, i suppose. But then, what good is that? No good, unless we're in a little movie called BACK TO THE FUTURE.
But more than likely, we're not. ahrghgdkgds.
I know i'm going through a lot of different plot points in this little thing, but no one reads it anyway, do they internet? God, i hate you. You've ruined most of the lovelliest things in this world. No wonder people hate gen y. We never had a chance!
Two posts ago, it was about a boy. I think it's a couple of months on, it still hurts sometimes. Not all as often, though, which is nice. Patches. Thats what a good friend of mine said. I go through patches. Where it really hurts and then sometimes not as much. Other boys have entered my mind, which is always good. A cool change from always hot, in weather terms if we want to go there. These are always weak though. Watered down crushes of hope. It always seems to come back to him, though. I really really would like to like someone else as much as him, but it never seems to happen. He's too quiet, he's too shy, he's not into the same things as i am. Basically, i wish that you loved me.
Kate Nash knows what i'm going through. Isn't it funny that you can always find that one (or two) song(s) that completely and utterly sum up exactly how you're feeling? And then it's not as bad, 'cause you're like 'oh, well i am not the only one, then'. You're not alone.

It is so hard to a get a thought process going here.
I wish to sound poetical, thoutful, interesting, complicated. All manner of things which if i try to become i will simply end up sounding extremely lame. I don't want to be the person that tries to be cool, i just want to be cool. (laugh)
and so,

'so much on my mind that it spills outside'

basically.

This shit just got real.

I've decided to start all over again. I hit a brick wall. So let's see how this pans out, shall we.
I don't want to try and be anything. I'm just going to write anything and everything, and if it turns out like corn on the cob then that'll be that, then. It's so hard to try and act normal when everything inside you feels as if it's just gone. I had a thought that it might get easier if i wrote it down. Coming to terms with it isn't an option. It's just all surreal right now.
The thing is, i kind of understand the good that's come out of this. I sort of see the silver lining, but i don't care. Shittiness doesn't just go away because you've learnt something. I understand a lot more now. I understand the great tradgedy that love is. Yeah, that's right. Love. 'Oh, but you're a silly teenage girl run by hormones and lustiness, how do you know what love is?' Yeah, well fuck you. I've been trying to tell myself that for two years now. 'You don't love him, that's ridiculous, you hardly know him'. It stopped working on thursday night. There he was, and there i went. Not a seconds notice, and everything left me. I didn't realise how much hope i had been harbouring until it was gone. I didn't realise how much i relied on that hope to keep going. Now that it's gone, or at least seriously deminished, it's like the glass is actually half empty. Everything is the same, and everything is different. I am not making this shit up. I am in the exact same position i have been in forever. Yet. Not.
This feeling in my stomach, that's not made up. My heart didn't break. There was nothing in it to break. He never took it, so it was never his. When people say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, they weren't talking about unrequited love. That shits just awful for everyone. I don't swear this much usually. Nothing else seems to sum up the feeling.
Only thing left to do is move on. I don't want to, but i have to. I'm just going to try and discover who i'm going to be. I will reinvent myself. I will stop caring about what other people think. i will stop trying to please everybody. Especially him.
You never know. After all this, some hope still remains.
Thanks for listening, internet.